If your wife wants to learn to drive, don’t stand in her way – Anonymous.

How can I miss if you won’t go away? – Anonymous.

Men are like bank accounts. Without a lot of money they don’t generate a lot of interest – Anonymous.

You know you are getting old when the candles cost more than the cake – Bob Hope.

When you have nothing to say, say nothing – Charles Caleb Colton.

You have to be 100% behind someone, before you can stab them in the back – David Brent.

If at first you don’t succeed, remove all evidence you ever tried – David Brent.

My computer beat me at checkers, but I sure beat it at kickboxing – Emo Philips.

I am an excellent housekeeper. Every time I get a divorce, I keep the house – Gabor.

Marriage is the only war where you sleep with the enemy – Gary Busey.

It is most unwise for people in love to marry – George Bernard Shaw.

Home is the girl’s prison and the woman’s workhouse – George Bernard Shaw.

Every man over forty is a scoundrel – George Bernard Shaw.

I was married by a judge – I should have asked for a jury – George Burns.

Weather forecast for tonight: dark – George Carlin.

We need an energy bill that encourages consumption – George W Bush.

A difference of tastes in jokes is a great strain on the affections – George Eliot.

Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot – Groucho Marx.

I never forget a face, but in your case I’ll be glad to make an exception – Groucho Marx.

She got her good looks from her father. He’s a plastic surgeon – Groucho Marx.

I’ve been looking for a girl like you – not you, but a girl like you – Groucho Marx.

Only one man in a thousand is a leader of men, the other 999 follow women – Groucho Marx.

If you can’t convince them, confuse them – Harry S. Truman.

What’s the use of happiness? It can’t buy you money – Henny Youngman.

Don’t worry. Being eaten by a crocodile is just like going to sleep. In a giant blender – Homer Simpson.

You tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is “never try” – Homer Simpson.

The more I see of men, the more I like dogs – Jeanne-Marie Roland.

Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names – John F. Kennedy.

Life is hard. After all, it kills you – Katharine Hepburn.

Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils – Louis Hector Berlioz.

Good girls go to heaven, bad girls go everywhere – Mae West.

Love conquers all things except poverty and toothache – Mae West.

She’s the kind of woman who climbed the ladder of success, wrong by wrong – Mae West.

Women are as old as they feel – and men are old when they lose their feelings – Mae West.

Men are all alike – except the one you’ve met who’s different – Mae West.

The best way to behave is to misbehave – Mae West.

Men like women with a past because they hope history will repeat itself – Mae West.

I generally avoid temptation unless I can’t resist it – Mae West.

Don’t keep a man guessing too long – he’s sure to find the answer somewhere else – Mae West.

I never loved another person the way I loved myself – Mae West.

Don’t marry a man to reform him – that’s what reform schools are for – Mae West.

Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before – Mae West.

I have never taken any exercise, except sleeping and resting – Mark Twain.

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint – Mark Twain.

What would men be without women? Scarce, sir, mighty scarce – Mark Twain.

If it were not for Thomas Edison, we would all be watching television in the dark – Michael L.

The bravest thing that men do is love women – Mort Sahl.

I am not a heavy drinker. I can sometimes go for hours without touching a drop – Noel Coward.

I am so clever that sometimes I don’t understand a single word of what I am saying – Oscar Wilde.

Always forgive your enemies. Nothing annoys them so much – Oscar Wilde.

Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them – P. J. O’Rourke.

Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect – Steven Wright.

God, if you can’t make me skinny, please make my friends fat – Tremper High.

I like children – fried – W.C. Fields.

The first thing we do, let’s kill all the lawyers – William Shakespeare.

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else – Will Rogers.

Although prepared for martyrdom, I preferred that it be postponed – Winston Churchill.

Life is divided up into the horrible and the miserable – Woody Allen.

It’s not that I’m afraid to die. I just don’t want to be there when it happens – Woody Allen.

In my house I’m the boss. My wife is just the decision maker – Woody Allen.

I’ve often said, the only thing standing between me and greatness is me – Woody Allen.