Short Funny Quotes
When you have nothing to say, say nothing – Charles Caleb Colton.
I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early – Charles Lamb.
You have to be 100% behind someone, before you can stab them in the back – David Brent.
If at first you don’t succeed, remove all evidence you ever tried – David Brent.
My computer beat me at checkers, but I sure beat it at kickboxing – Emo Philips.
I am an excellent housekeeper. Every time I get a divorce, I keep the house – Gabor.
Marriage is the only war where you sleep with the enemy – Gary Busey.
First love is only a little foolishness and a lot of curiosity – George Bernard Shaw.
It is most unwise for people in love to marry – George Bernard Shaw.
Home is the girl’s prison and the woman’s workhouse – George Bernard Shaw.
Every man over forty is a scoundrel – George Bernard Shaw.
I was married by a judge – I should have asked for a jury – George Burns.
Rarely is the question asked: is our children learning – George W Bush.
We need an energy bill that encourages consumption – George W Bush.
A difference of tastes in jokes is a great strain on the affections – George Eliot.
Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot – Groucho Marx.
I never forget a face, but in your case I’ll be glad to make an exception – Groucho Marx.
She got her good looks from her father. He’s a plastic surgeon – Groucho Marx.
I’ve been looking for a girl like you – not you, but a girl like you – Groucho Marx.
Only one man in a thousand is a leader of men, the other 999 follow women – Groucho Marx.
If you can’t convince them, confuse them – Harry S. Truman.
What’s the use of happiness? It can’t buy you money – Henny Youngman.
English – Who needs that? I’m never going to England! – Homer Simpson.
Don’t worry. Being eaten by a crocodile is just like going to sleep. In a giant blender – Homer Simpson.
You tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is “never try” – Homer Simpson.
You’re everywhere. You’re omnivorous – Homer Simpson, to God.
The more I see of men, the more I like dogs – Jeanne-Marie Roland.
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names – John F. Kennedy.
Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils – Louis Hector Berlioz.
Good girls go to heaven, bad girls go everywhere – Mae West.
Love conquers all things except poverty and toothache – Mae West.
She’s the kind of woman who climbed the ladder of success, wrong by wrong – Mae West.
Women are as old as they feel – and men are old when they lose their feelings – Mae West.
Marriage is a great institution, but I’m not ready for an institution – Mae West.
Anything worth doing is worth doing slowly – Mae West.
Men are all alike – except the one you’ve met who’s different – Mae West.
The best way to behave is to misbehave – Mae West.
Men like women with a past because they hope history will repeat itself – Mae West.
I generally avoid temptation unless I can’t resist it – Mae West.
Don’t keep a man guessing too long – he’s sure to find the answer somewhere else – Mae West.
I never loved another person the way I loved myself – Mae West.
Don’t marry a man to reform him – that’s what reform schools are for – Mae West.
Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before – Mae West.
I have never taken any exercise, except sleeping and resting – Mark Twain.
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint – Mark Twain.
What would men be without women? Scarce, sir, mighty scarce – Mark Twain.
If it were not for Thomas Edison, we would all be watching television in the dark – Michael L.
I am not a heavy drinker. I can sometimes go for hours without touching a drop – Noel Coward.
Work is the curse of the drinking classes – Oscar Wilde.
To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance – Oscar Wilde.
True friends stab you in the front – Oscar Wilde.
Nothing succeeds like excess – Oscar Wilde.
Always forgive your enemies. Nothing annoys them so much – Oscar Wilde.
When the President does it, that means it’s not illegal – Richard Nixon.
Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect – Steven Wright.
Santa Claus has the right idea – visit people only once a year – Victor Borge.
I like children – fried – W.C. Fields.
The first thing we do, let’s kill all the lawyers – William Shakespeare.
Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else – Will Rogers.
Although prepared for martyrdom, I preferred that it be postponed – Winston Churchill.
When you have to kill a man it costs nothing to be polite – Winston Churchill.
Life is divided up into the horrible and the miserable – Woody Allen.
It’s not that I’m afraid to die. I just don’t want to be there when it happens – Woody Allen.
If you want to make God laugh, tell him your future plans – Woody Allen.
In my house I’m the boss. My wife is just the decision maker – Woody Allen.
I’ve often said, the only thing standing between me and greatness is me – Woody Allen.
More Quotes
- College Drinking Quotes, Sayings about Drinking
- Wedding Quotes, Sayings about Marriage
- Invitation Quotes, Sayings for Inviting People
- Alcohol Quotes, Sayings about Drinking
- Insult Quotes, Sayings about Insult
- Art Quotes, Sayings about Artistic Work
- Be Yourself Quotes, Sayings about Being Yourself
- Sarcastic Quotes, Sayings about Sarcasm
October 30th, 2008 at 9:25 pm
simply beautiful… was only looking for inspiration for the invitation card for my upcoming wedding, but you gave me far more: haven’t had so much fun in 10 minutes for a long time!
February 4th, 2010 at 7:30 am
had a good laugh reading this.. nice job!