Short Funny Quotes

When you have nothing to say, say nothing - Charles Caleb Colton.

I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early - Charles Lamb.

You have to be 100% behind someone, before you can stab them in the back - David Brent.

If at first you don’t succeed, remove all evidence you ever tried - David Brent.

My computer beat me at checkers, but I sure beat it at kickboxing - Emo Philips.

I am an excellent housekeeper. Every time I get a divorce, I keep the house - Gabor.

Marriage is the only war where you sleep with the enemy - Gary Busey.

First love is only a little foolishness and a lot of curiosity - George Bernard Shaw.

It is most unwise for people in love to marry - George Bernard Shaw.

Home is the girl’s prison and the woman’s workhouse - George Bernard Shaw.

Every man over forty is a scoundrel - George Bernard Shaw.

I was married by a judge - I should have asked for a jury - George Burns.

Rarely is the question asked: is our children learning - George W Bush.

We need an energy bill that encourages consumption - George W Bush.

A difference of tastes in jokes is a great strain on the affections - George Eliot.

Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot - Groucho Marx.

I never forget a face, but in your case I’ll be glad to make an exception - Groucho Marx.

She got her good looks from her father. He’s a plastic surgeon - Groucho Marx.

I’ve been looking for a girl like you - not you, but a girl like you - Groucho Marx.

Only one man in a thousand is a leader of men, the other 999 follow women - Groucho Marx.

If you can’t convince them, confuse them - Harry S. Truman.

What’s the use of happiness? It can’t buy you money - Henny Youngman.

English - Who needs that? I’m never going to England! - Homer Simpson.

Don’t worry. Being eaten by a crocodile is just like going to sleep. In a giant blender - Homer Simpson.

You tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is “never try” - Homer Simpson.

You’re everywhere. You’re omnivorous - Homer Simpson, to God.

The more I see of men, the more I like dogs - Jeanne-Marie Roland.

Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names - John F. Kennedy.

Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils - Louis Hector Berlioz.

Good girls go to heaven, bad girls go everywhere - Mae West.

Love conquers all things except poverty and toothache - Mae West.

She’s the kind of woman who climbed the ladder of success, wrong by wrong - Mae West.

Women are as old as they feel - and men are old when they lose their feelings - Mae West.

Marriage is a great institution, but I’m not ready for an institution - Mae West.

Anything worth doing is worth doing slowly - Mae West.

Men are all alike - except the one you’ve met who’s different - Mae West.

The best way to behave is to misbehave - Mae West.

Men like women with a past because they hope history will repeat itself - Mae West.

I generally avoid temptation unless I can’t resist it - Mae West.

Don’t keep a man guessing too long - he’s sure to find the answer somewhere else - Mae West.

I never loved another person the way I loved myself - Mae West.

Don’t marry a man to reform him - that’s what reform schools are for - Mae West.

Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before - Mae West.

I believe in equality for everyone, except reporters and photographers - Mahatma Gandhi.

I admire the serene assurance of those who have religious faith. It is wonderful to observe the calm confidence of a Christian with four aces - Mark Twain.

I have never taken any exercise, except sleeping and resting - Mark Twain.

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint - Mark Twain.

What would men be without women? Scarce, sir, mighty scarce - Mark Twain.

If it were not for Thomas Edison, we would all be watching television in the dark - Michael L.

I am not a heavy drinker. I can sometimes go for hours without touching a drop - Noel Coward.

Work is the curse of the drinking classes - Oscar Wilde.

To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance - Oscar Wilde.

True friends stab you in the front - Oscar Wilde.

Nothing succeeds like excess - Oscar Wilde.

Always forgive your enemies. Nothing annoys them so much - Oscar Wilde.

When the President does it, that means it’s not illegal - Richard Nixon.

The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on - Robert Bloch.

I don’t set out to offend or shock, but I also don’t do anything to avoid it - Sarah Silverman.

The most wasted of all days is that in which we have not laughed - Sebastien Roch Nicolas Chamfort.

Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect - Steven Wright.

Santa Claus has the right idea - visit people only once a year - Victor Borge.

I like children - fried - W.C. Fields.

It matters not whether you win or lose; what matters is whether I win or lose - Weinberg.

The first thing we do, let’s kill all the lawyers - William Shakespeare.

Even if you are on the right track, you’ll get run over if you just sit there - Will Rogers.

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else - Will Rogers.

Although prepared for martyrdom, I preferred that it be postponed - Winston Churchill.

When you have to kill a man it costs nothing to be polite - Winston Churchill.

Life is divided up into the horrible and the miserable - Woody Allen.

It’s not that I’m afraid to die. I just don’t want to be there when it happens - Woody Allen.

If you want to make God laugh, tell him your future plans - Woody Allen.

In my house I’m the boss. My wife is just the decision maker - Woody Allen.

I’ve often said, the only thing standing between me and greatness is me - Woody Allen.

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One Response

Pieter Schrijner Says:
October 30th, 2008 at 9:25 pm
simply beautiful… was only looking for inspiration for the invitation card for my upcoming wedding, but you gave me far more: haven’t had so much fun in 10 minutes for a long time!

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